As a mother who struggled to "find herself" after having both of my children it truly scares me. My marriage suffered, I suffered, and my family had to bare witness to it all. I've dealt with anxiety and depression most of my life, from the time I was a young teen to now. I face it daily. But after I had children it spiraled out of control. I lost trust for most people, I was scared of basically everything and I was miserable. I resented my husband, I resented my friends and I was a guest to a big pity party I was throwing for myself. I adore my children and after I had them I let them sit at the top of my list, I let them take control over every emotion I had and every thought revolved around "what will this be like for my kids?" In turn I neglected my husband. I showed stress and anger on my face non stop and I held myself back from just being me. I became a mother and I struggled bad to figure out how to be a mother, a wife, and myself all at one time.
My son was almost 2 when my daughter was born. He was my biggest cheerleader. He sat on the sidelines during pumping and feeding sessions and literally cheered me on because milk was coming out! He is loving, kind, smart and oh so sensitive. He's my sweet boy, my baby boy and was who I leaned on to find my happiness. My daughter was fairly easy as a newborn and my postpartum experience was much different with her. I was able to get up and move around and do things whereas with my son I was in severe pain for weeks. They made it pretty seamless to transition from 1 to 2 children. The obstacle that I faced was being alone.
The definition of workaholic can be found by meeting my husband. He works from before dawn til after dusk. He sometimes doesn't make it to bed until after midnight and that's usually when he gets home from whatever job he is working on. I was used to being alone, then I got used to being alone with Colby, then I became resentful, then I got used to being alone with Charlee and that brought up a whole new form of resentment. That's a hefty word and not one I like to use but it's the simple truth. I despised the freedom he had. The ability to just get up and go without any hustle to find a baby sitter, without any questions, and without what seemed to me like any care. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my husband and I know he cares and he is doing everything in his power to provide for his family but sometimes it's just overwhelming.
Charlee, my daughter is about to turn 3. It's taken me almost 5 years to feel like I have finally balanced the act. I work full time away from my home, I am involved in non-profit organizations, I have some freedom to do things I enjoy doing (granted I still have to make sitter arrangements) and I have my kids and my husband. I am just starting to feel somewhat "normal" again. I don't hate being alone anymore, I don't mind if my husband is gone a whole weekend. I don't care if he has to work until midnight. I'm happy with him, I'm happy with my job, and I am happy with my kids. Hence my fear. Why would I throw all of that off by adding a third child?
He yearns for one. He's always told me since the day we met that he wanted a big family. Like I said before, the thought of never having another baby breaks my heart, it makes me sad. My kids talk about their future sibling ALL THE TIME! I literally feel like I am letting everyone down by saying, "No."
Would it be that bad? I don't know! There are pros and cons. But they often cancel each other out. The conversation has barely started and I'm already throwing myself into a cyclone of panic. Would I handle it well? Would I go somewhat crazy like I did before? Could I possibly love another child as much as I do the two I already have? Will I resent my husband again? I don't know. So the question
is still there. Do we expand our family or don't we? Nobody can answer that question. I can't.
is still there. Do we expand our family or don't we? Nobody can answer that question. I can't.
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| Photo By: Brighton Road Photography |
